Three men were standing in line to get into heaven one day. Apparently it had been a pretty busy day, though, so St. Peter had to tell the first one, "Heaven’s getting pretty close to full today, and I’ve been asked to admit only people who have had particularly horrible deaths. So what’s your story?"

The first man replies: "Well, for a while I’ve suspected my wife has been cheating on me, so today I came home early to try to catch her red-handed. As I came into my 25th floor apartment, I could tell something was wrong, but all my searching around didn’t reveal where this other guy could have been hiding. Finally, I went out to the balcony, and sure enough, there was this man hanging off the railing, 25 floors above ground! By now I was really mad, so I started beating on him and kicking him, but wouldn’t you know it, he wouldn’t fall off. So finally I went back into my apartment and got a hammer and starting hammering on his fingers. Of course, he couldn’t stand that for long, so he let go and fell-but even after 25 stories, he fell into the bushes, stunned but okay. I couldn’t stand it anymore, so I ran into the kitchen, grabbed the fridge, and threw it over the edge where it landed on him, killing him instantly. But all the stress and anger got to me, and I had a heart attack and died there on the balcony."

"That sounds like a pretty bad day to me," said Peter, and let the man in.

The second man comes up and Peter explains to him about heaven being full, and again asks for his story.

"It’s been a very strange day. You see, I live on the 26th floor of my apartment building, and every morning I do my exercises out on my balcony. Well, this morning I must have slipped or something, because I fell over the edge. But I got lucky, and caught the railing of the balcony on the floor below me. I knew I couldn’t hang on for very long, when suddenly this man burst out onto the balcony. I thought for sure I was saved, when he started beating on me and kicking me. I held on the best I could until he ran into the apartment and grabbed a hammer and started pounding on my hands. Finally I just let go, but again I got lucky and fell into the bushes below, stunned but all right. Just when I was thinking I was going to be okay, this refrigerator comes falling out of the sky and crushes me instantly, and now I’m here."

Once again, Peter had to concede that that sounded like a pretty horrible death.

The third man came to the front of the line, and St. Peter asked for his story.

"Picture this," says the third man, "I’m hiding naked inside a refrigerator..."

So there’s a new variant of the old favourite "A Friend has sent you a Hallmark E-Card" virus floating around the last few days. Well hello and welcome to last week! This one comes in the form of a very nicely formatted HTML mail message with graphics and links stolen from the legitimate Hallmark website. It also comes with a nice EXE attachment that happily buttfucks your PC into spam-zombie oblivion. Of course these types of email messages are so old-school, chances of this spreading around must be close to nil. Nobody in their right mind would click on an EXE attachment now would they? HAH...think again young-bucko!

When are all these fucking retards going to learn to stop clicking on EXE attachments for fuck sake? I mean fuck....do you still believe in Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny too? Do you still shit in your pants? You grew out of those habits, why the fuck can’t you get it through your brain-dead fucktard heads that NOBODY needs to email you a fucking EXECUTABLE program EVER?

I swear, if I wanted to deal with douchebags all day long, I could have gotten a job working in a Massengil factory! Fuck IT....I need a drink.

Back to Index

Previous 1 2 ... 70 71 72 73 74 75 76 ... 122 123 Next