Good news folks….once all the bars have gone out of business due to the lockdown we might still have a place to go for a beer!

https://outline.com/RCz4aq

Rumor has it that in order to clarify the situation, 6 more colour coded zones will be added to the current lockdown rating system. Niagara will soon move to Turquoise-lockdown, which is essentially the same as the previous lockdown except you can’t jerk-off on Tuesdays and Thursdays. Schools will remain open, but kids should stay home unless they are going to school, else they should only go to school except when they should stay at home.

Next is ‘Sandalwood-lockdown’ which means essentially everyone should stay at home unless it is essential, or they feel essentially that they should go do something which is non-essential. Essential workers are of course exempt, except for non-essential reasons. Essentially, everyone should just fuck off.

Alabaster-lockdown will replace the current black lockdown which was deemed racist.

Autumn-seagrass-lockdown will replace the current red-zone lockdown, as the government felt a more calming, less alarmist colour would be better and also better match the curtains in the living and dining room. Plus, referring to things as red was deemed offensive to indigenous people and thus is no longer appropriate. (see Cincinnati Reds, Washington Redskins…)

Similarly, pink and blue have been banned as zone colours because lockdown zones shouldn’t be subject to gender discrimination.

Finally, the yellow zone has been removed as it was deemed offensive to Asian people. If your region is placed into this zone, it will now be referred to as ‘Spring-Daffodil-lockdown’ instead.

Meanwhile, while our government continues to fuck the dog on vaccinations, Dr. Tam released predictions for the 3rd wave based, as usual, on random numbers they pulled out of their assholes.

The pandemic also took its toll on BHON activities this past year. Although we adapted to using Zoom meetings and getting together on makeshift patios in bar parking lots, it certainly wasn’t the same. Once the province finally moved into Stage 3 reopening, we were the first to return to our favourite establishments, albeit wearing facemasks and having to follow strange new protocols. When Niagara’s chief medical officer Dr. Hirji imposed Section 22 orders on the entire region at the beginning of November, it pretty much shut us down for the rest of the year. A huge shout out to Mike B for offering up his basement clubhouse for the past few weeks so that we could finish the year properly. Ironically, it would be these types of private gatherings that the Health Unit was hoping to avoid happening in the first place....

We also want to raise a glass to all of the bar and restaurant owners, servers and hospitality workers out there who have struggled through this past year. We know it hasn’t been easy and we appreciate the effort you have all put in to try and keep the doors open for us to return. We also encourage everyone to continue to support their local establishments, despite the restrictions. Order a take-out meal, pop in for lunch with family from your household, or someone ’essential’ to your wellbeing. Be cheerful with your servers and don’t be a dick about following the rules. It’s not their fault, nor their responsibility to police your actions.

As for the coming new year...everyone is placing their hopes on a vaccine rollout to finally end this. I am cautiously optimistic, but only time will tell.

A peaceful Christmas to all, or whatever you choose to celebrate. See you all on the other side!

MG